sad

It has been a rocky beginning of this new year. The first month half over and I am like a child searching for a lost toy. You know where you left it, it isn't there. You played with it yesterday and it was under the grape arbor...or was i behind the lilac bush? I feel scattered, shredded, swirling, dizzy with pain. I am silly to try to describe this part of me. I am sad. that is simple enough. I am sad because my fifteen year old daughter is very mentally ill, and after months in hospital, we had to put her into residential treatment. I am sad because she looks at me with total truth in her vast brown eyes and tells me I am not her mother. She says she is 18, 21, adopted. She says I have altered her social security card, she has a real family elsewhere. I am an enemy to her. This began when she was 8. So many doctors, second and thirds and consults with columbia medical center. So many medicines I hated to give to her but hoped. So many doctors saying "she is difficult to treat" "a hard case" You do not want your child to be known as an oddity a case to be studied at medical symposiums. But I let them study her,hoping there was someone out there who could retrieve my child from this dark place. I want my child back, the one who spoke full sentences at 9 months, potty trained herself before she was 1 read Charles Dickens in the second grade. the beautiful witty, awesome child that amazed and delighted me. it has been over half her life now, and they tell me that she probably will never be well enough to live on her own. She will be "in the system" And Gods forgive me that I cannot have her home. She is unpredictable and dangerous, has harmed me and her sisters, Tried commiting suicide and had me at knifepoint. But through all these awful things I clung on to her, and still do. But I am mourning now. Odds are I will never get her back the way she was. I have to love her and accept things as they are. It is a like swallowing a pill made of barbed wire. I will love her and try to keep her safe,and hope for the days that there is a glimmer of recognition, those brief moments where her eyes focus and she looks at me with clarity. And accept the other days for what they are. And make them as good and as special as they can be.